Grief is difficult for everyone, but it can be especially hard for children. The loss of a parent, grandparent, or other loved one can be challenging for children to understand. Children may also have a hard time grappling with the complex emotions that can arise while coping with grief.
November 21, recognized as Children's Grief Awareness Day, reminds us of the importance of supporting children’s grief. For parents and caregivers, understanding how to approach and support children’s grief can make all the difference, offering a foundation of comfort and resilience as children navigate complex emotions.
Understanding Children’s Grief
Children’s grief often looks different than grief in adults. Kids may not always understand or express their emotions directly, which can lead to behaviors that seem unrelated to grief. Children experiencing grief may behave in ways that appear confusing or contradictory.
For example, a grieving child might appear withdrawn one moment and playful the next, or they might act out in ways that are hard to interpret, displaying anger, sadness, irritability, or other emotions.
Coping with grief can also look very different depending on the age of the child. Let’s look at some examples of different reactions to grief by age group:
Preschoolers: Very young children might not grasp the permanence of death. They may repeatedly ask about the deceased person or wonder when they’ll come back, which can be confusing or even frustrating for caregivers. At this age, children may express their grief through clinginess, tantrums, or regressions in behavior, like bedwetting or thumb-sucking.
School-age children: Kids in elementary school usually understand that death is permanent. They may feel sadness, guilt, or even guilt related to the loss. At this age, it’s common for grief to show up in unexpected ways—like difficulties with schoolwork, increased irritability, or even physical complaints (e.g., headaches or stomach aches).
Teens: Adolescents understand death similarly to adults, but may feel more isolated in their grief, especially if they think others don’t understand what they’re going through. Teens might mask their sadness by acting out or withdrawing socially, and they might seek independence as a way to cope.
Creating a Safe Space for All Emotions
When children are coping with grief, they need a supportive environment where they feel safe to express all of their emotions - fear, confusion, sadness, anger, and any other feelings that emerge.
By creating a space that encourages openness, parents and caregivers can help children feel more comfortable sharing their experiences and asking questions. Here are some tips on how to do just that:
Encourage open communication
Let children know that it’s okay to talk about their feelings, no matter how big or complex they might be. You might start by gently asking how they’re feeling or sharing your own emotions to model openness. Simple, direct questions like, “Are you feeling sad or worried today?” or “I’m feeling sad today because I miss [deceased person]. What emotions are you feeling?” can open up the conversation without pressuring them to talk.
Validate their feelings
It’s important to accept and validate whatever emotions children express, whether it’s sadness, anger, fear, irritability, or something esle. For example, if a child says, “I feel really mad,” a helpful response might be, “It’s normal to feel angry when something so hard happens.” Validating their feelings lets them know their emotions are okay and that they have permission to feel whatever comes up.
Use age-appropriate language
Clear, age-appropriate language helps children understand and express their grief without confusion. Avoid using euphemisms like “passed away” or “moved on,” which can be misleading for younger children who may interpret this literally. Instead, use straightforward terms like “died” or “isn’t coming back” to prevent misunderstandings and help them understand.
Helping Children Find Healthy Outlets for Grief
Grief support looks very different for children than it does for adults. Children may not always have the tools to manage the intense emotions that come with grief, so offering healthy ways to cope is key. By guiding children toward constructive outlets, parents and caregivers can help them process their feelings in a safe and supportive way.
Consider some of the following outlets:
Art, play, and creative activities: Activities like drawing, storytelling, or playing with toys can help children express complex emotions without needing words. Art projects, memory books, or role-playing with stuffed animals allow kids to work through feelings in a way that feels more comfortable. Encourage activities that give children space to explore their grief creatively, offering them an emotional outlet in a form they can control and revisit.
Activities that honor their loved one: Finding meaningful ways to remember the person who passed can help children feel connected and offer a sense of closure. Activities like creating a scrapbook, writing letters, or lighting a candle in their memory can be powerful ways to honor their loved one. Virtual memorials or tributes can give children a chance to express their feelings and hear supportive stories about their loved one, helping them feel less alone in their grief.
Encouraging physical activity: Physical movement can help children release built-up emotions like stress, anxiety, or sadness. Whether through playing outside, going for a walk, or participating in sports, physical activity provides a healthy outlet for their feelings. Encouraging regular activity not only helps with emotional regulation but can also offer a needed break from intense emotions, providing a sense of relief and balance.
Seeking Support for Children’s Grief
Grieving the loss of a parent or loved one is challenging for anyone, but it can be especially confusing and overwhelming for children. If you’re concerned about a child’s grieving process, know that resources are available to provide the specialized support they need.
Locally, Highmark Caring Place offers compassionate, dedicated grief support programs to help children navigate grief in a safe and understanding environment. For adults who need additional support, our team of therapists can help you process your own grief, so you can feel stronger and more prepared to support the children in your life.
Remember, reaching out for help is a powerful step toward healing, for both you and your family.