Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for fostering respectful and balanced relationships. Boundaries help protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being by explicitly defining your limits and expectations.
But for many people, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable or even impossible, especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays. Whether it’s managing family expectations, navigating tricky conversations, or prioritizing your own needs, learning how to set boundaries in relationships is a skill that can improve your relationships and your overall well-being.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the personal limits and rules you set that define how you will tolerate other people’s actions and treatment of you. They help protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being and are essential for maintaining healthy relationships.
There are several different types of boundaries, including:
Physical boundaries: Relating to personal space and touch.
Emotional boundaries: Protecting your feelings and emotional energy.
Time boundaries: Setting limits on how you spend your time.
Conversational boundaries: Defining acceptable topics for discussion.
What Makes a Healthy Boundary?
Healthy boundaries focus on what you will do based on someone else’s actions— acknowledging that while you can’t control other people's behavior, you can control your own actions and responses to others’ actions.
Healthy boundaries have two main components: labeling someone else’s behavior or action, and the consequences you will enact if they continue to engage in the behavior.
Some examples include:
"If you keep raising your voice during our conversations, I’ll need to step away until we can talk calmly."
“If you continue to discuss politics after I’ve asked you not to, I will leave.”
"If you’re more than 15 minutes late, we will need to reschedule our meeting/appointment/lunch date.”
"If you send me work emails after 6 PM, I won’t respond until the next business day."
"If you continue to criticize my parenting choices, I’ll limit the time we spend together."
Importantly, a healthy boundary isn’t about punishing someone else: it’s about sticking up for yourself and asserting your needs.
Signs You Need to Set a Boundary
Recognizing when it’s time to set boundaries is crucial for maintaining your emotional and physical well-being. Here are some common signs that you may need to establish limits:
You feel drained or overwhelmed
Constantly giving to others without reciprocation can leave you feeling exhausted and depleted. This is usually a good sign that you’d benefit from a boundary that prioritizes your needs.
You frequently say “yes” when you want to say “no”
Agreeing to things out of obligation or fear of conflict, even when it impacts your well-being. If you often find yourself doing this, it could be a sign to reflect on what you really want and set boundaries accordingly.
You notice patterns of conflict or discomfort
Repeated arguments or feelings of unease in certain relationships may indicate a lack of clear boundaries.
You struggle to prioritize your own needs
Consistently putting others' needs above your own to the detriment of your health, happiness, or goals.
You feel resentful
Resentment often arises when you feel taken advantage of or unappreciated, signaling a need for clearer limits.
You avoid certain people or situations
Boundaries in relationships, especially family relationships, can be very challenging. When interactions consistently cause you discomfort or unease, it may indicate that boundaries are missing or not being respected.
What to Say to Set a Boundary
Setting boundaries in relationships can seem challenging at first, but once you know the language to use, it can become much more straightforward.
Use “I” statements: Frame the boundary in terms of your feelings and needs. Example: “I feel overwhelmed when plans change last minute. I need advance notice, or I won’t be able to commit to our plans.”
Be calm and direct: Avoid overexplaining or apologizing excessively. Clearly state your boundary without anger or defensiveness. Know that you can assert yourself while still being kind.
Focus on what you’ll do: Emphasize the action you’ll take if the boundary isn’t respected.
Here are some examples of language you can adopt to set boundaries in common situations:
“It’s hurtful when you make jokes about my appearance. If it continues, I’ll need to step away from the conversation.”
“I value our relationship, but I can’t continue this discussion if it involves yelling.”
“I’m available to talk for 30 minutes, and then I’ll need to focus on other commitments.”
Remember: it’s not unkind or rude to set a boundary. It’s an important part of getting your needs met and protecting your well-being.
Setting Boundaries at the Holidays
The holiday season can be particularly challenging for setting boundaries due to heightened family expectations, long-standing traditions, and added stress. Consider the following strategies as you engage in holiday boundary-setting.
Plan ahead
To navigate this period effectively, preparation is key. Discuss your plans and limits with loved ones ahead of time to avoid last-minute surprises. For instance, if you know you’ll only be able to attend a family gathering for a couple of hours, communicate that early by saying, “We’re excited to come, but we’ll need to leave by 8 PM.” Then stick to that commitment, even if others protest.
Communicate clearly and firmly
Boundaries can also be useful for steering clear of sensitive or contentious topics during holiday gatherings. If someone brings up a subject you’d rather avoid, you might say, “I’d prefer not to talk about that right now,” and redirect the conversation.
Don’t be afraid of pushback
It’s natural for people to react with surprise or frustration, especially if they’re used to certain expectations or traditions during the holiday season. Responding with patience and clarity can help maintain the relationship while still honoring your needs. For instance, you could say, “I understand this may be different than what we’ve done before, but this is what works best for me.” This acknowledges the other person’s feelings while affirming your decision.
Need help with setting boundaries?
If setting and maintaining boundaries feels overwhelming, there is help available. Our therapists are here to support you in building healthier relationships and setting boundaries that prioritize your well-being.
Boundaries in relationships don’t have to be hard and you don’t have to figure it out all on your own. Contact us today to get started.